“When you confront yourself you will know who you are” Sri Bhagavan.
As I said in the previous post, Inner World Outer World, the book The Secret opened me up to a completely new world. The world of self-help and spirituality, which eventually led me to meditation.
But when I started this journey back in around 2007/2008 I had no idea what meditation was. I didn’t have any friends who meditated and although I had heard of it, it wasn’t something that was a part of my life.that all changed in 2010.
That all changed in 2010.
Once I’d connected with The Secret website, it lead me to many other spiritual, self-help websites….I started to come into contact with profound teachings taught by many inspirational teachers, each of whom coached me in something new and amazing.
I started to notice synchronicities with these teachers. It felt like a guiding hand was leading me to the right information—I mean exactly what I needed at the time I needed it, would be miraculously manifest for me. It was so exciting and like this, step-by-step I progressed.
The basis of the teachings I was learning, focused on “knowing oneself” initially an alien concept, but one which was starting to make more sense, the further I got into the journey of looking within.
But what does looking within even mean and how does one start this process?
Well for me, starting to look within was about looking at myself, deciphering my life and recognising the things that were working and the things that were not and trying to make sense of them.
I had begun to understand that my outer world was a reflection of my inner world….so I knew it meant everything in my outer world had been created by something in my inner world.
I guessed that in order to fully understand why my outer world was not the way I wanted it to be, I had to first unravel, then delve deeper into the workings of my inner world.
In short, I had to make sense of who Jacqueline Vanderpuye really was.
Starting my textile business in Shanghai the end of 2008, surprisingly presented me with the perfect opportunity to focus on myself.
Because I was now ploughing all my energy and money into my business, it left little to no time for the exciting social whirl that is Shanghai—if any of you have visited or lived in Shanghai you will know exactly what I mean.
Cutting back on my social life really allowed me to give attention to myself for the first time. I became a virtual recluse, going only to work by day, then coming home and being with myself at night.
You know the idea of being with myself scared in the past… If I wasn’t out with friends having fun then I was sad. Who wants to be the sad person home alone on a Saturday night? Not me!
So being on my own back then made me feel lonely and alone. My social life gave me significance—gave me worth.
At least that’s how I felt then.
Now coming home to myself every evening gave me the freedom to begin contemplating my life in depth and I began writing a daily journal, writing not just how I felt at that moment in time, but also how I’d felt as a child, how I felt in my teens, twenties and up to my early thirties.
I wrote about all the difficult and traumatic situations I had experienced in life…about situations that in some cases I had never confronted or spoken to anyone about.
For the first time in my life, I was daring to be honest with myself about how I really felt inside. I hid nothing and uncovered some of the wounds that had laid buried deep inside my whole adult life,
I exposed them all in my journals and it felt good—it felt so liberating.
But you know what the say about the truth don’t you? It hurts!
Being this truthful and vulnerable with myself was a very painful process and one, which triggered many years of pent-up emotions in the form of tears.
I cried buckets that year…but it was only the beginning.
I think 2009 was a pivotal year, really helping me take a huge leap forward on my path of knowing myself, and it prepared me for what was to come later.
As 2009 ended and I eased into 2010, I found myself feeling stuck with my progress. I had learned all I could on my own and I realised I needed outside help.
One morning before going to work I shouted out loud—making a plea to the Universe “ Please bring me some outside help, I’ve done everything I can on my own…I need more help.”
Two things happened in the week that followed but the most compelling was the email I received from an unknown source called “The Little Green Door”
This mail came out of the blue, but I was made suspicious by the name…it sounded like it should be spam, as I had never heard of anything called the little green door, so in-fact it almost ended up in the bin.
Luckily, the trusty inner voice in my head said, “Open it”
And I’m glad I did.
The mail was an invitation to a course called “The Inner Morph Workshop.” The tag-line, was what caught my eye, and it said:
“Heal yourself from the inside out”
When I read this, I knew this was the outside help I had asked for—I quickly signed up!
The 2-day workshop was amazing and my first ever inner healing workshop. There would be many more in the months and years that followed.
The workshop triggered more synchronicities and within a few days, I discovered a thriving spiritual community in Shanghai…who held monthly meetings in a cosy café.
This initial meeting with the Spiritual Shanghai group led me to my first meditation evening a few days later.
That first meditation session was very special as it introduced to Deeksha. Deeksha is a very powerful energy transfer, with many benefits. I will speak more about these benefits in future posts.
The evening consisted of a 21-minute meditation followed by receiving Deeksha from the Deeksha givers present. To be honest, I don’t remember much about the meditation, but I do remember the Deeksha because I received it 6 times that night.
It was like receiving steady waves of golden melted butter into the crown of my head. The warm glowing energy drizzled its way through my crown and into my face, lighting up my whole body—filling me with possibility and hope.
Although the energy transfer from each giver felt different, some were stronger than others; the cumulative effect was akin to being intoxicated. I felt dizzy and high as a kite—drunk on energy but in a good way.
And the overwhelming sense of peace and relaxation I felt was palpable.
From that point on, my weekly meditation and Deeksha evenings became the necessary healing tonic I couldn’t do without. For a few precious hours a week, I could be taken away from the stress and anxiety of running my textile business.
In 2010 the doorway to meditation was firmly opened for me and it would become my daily tool. I use it to help me distress, improve my concentration, tune into others and myself and of course, I use it to tune into spirit.
This introduction to Deeksha fuelled my love affair with India and it’s extraordinary spiritual heritage.